It's a fine line...

I've never felt pain, well not the sensory kind that pierces your nerves.
I've wondered what it feels like.
I've inflicted all kinds of injuries and ornaments on my body in the pursuit of pain.
I can't stand pleasure. I feel ashamed if I glean pleasure off anything or anyone except myself. (Like a deep secret)
I'd rather people think me brave when faced with pain.
Pleasure is a selfish thing.
I'm not selfish!

I used to get into fights with my sisters - nothing too serious, just the usual cat fights, scratching painted nails against pink flesh, pulling clumps of hair from scalps. I only felt pain when my sister didn't accept me. She was impressed when I didn't wince as she tugged on my hair. Her gnawed nails never drew blood, but as I dragged my own nail up my arm leaving a trail of stunned red she'd grin and everything would be ok. I was in her club.

You could say it is actually selfish of me to take a certain kind of pleasure in my apparent bravado. Maybe so. I desire to please, not to be pleased, and nothing impresses people like a person who shrugs at the thought of sharp objects!
Is it then outrageous coincidence that I was diagnosed as diabetic?! It is yet another example of me being nonchalant; I stick a needle in my stomach while onlookers gasp.
What can I say - I like being a freak.

I even got my nipple pierced - to prove to myself and to others (well, my sister) that I was utterly invincible. It didn't tickle, but yet again - no pain! Just a deep sense of pleasure and satisfaction really.

Yet I masquerade. I can't sense pain at all, but I have felt it. Bone wrenching, down heartening depression born of being rejected and ignored.

At the same time I just can't stand being accepted and pleased.